Church Hunting
A satirical look at modern churches
The little coffee shop was crowded, so David made his way outside to wait on his two friends. Their discussion was a bit private, anyway, and they really didn’t anyone to overhear.
You could never tell when there might be a pastor sitting just a couple of tables over.
Paul came out with his usual triple shot—”no wonder the man can preach all night,” David thought.[1]
David spread a list of churches out on the table and asked: “How’s your church hunting going?”
Paul pointed to the first one on the list. “The pastor there preached on how we don’t have a choice in salvation—you can scratch them off the list. I don’t know how many times you have to say that anyone who has faith can be saved before people believe you.”
As Jeremiah sat down with his more sedate Earl Grey, David said: “The next one on the list fussed at me for dancing. I asked the paster if they’d even read the Bible, but he didn’t seem to get it.” David turned to Jeremiah: “What’s your week been like?”[2]
“It’s rough out there.” Deep sadness came over Jeremiah’s eyes, as it often did. “I tried to write a few articles for a big Christian publication this week, but they said I was too negative. I needed to add some more hope to my pieces, so …”
David motioned back to the list. “I tried this one here, but they said since I was divorced, an adulterer, and a murderer, I was not even fit to lead a small group, much less a nation. They were happy to have me sitting the pews and donating, though…”
“Ha!” David should have been used to Paul’s interjections, but…
“I was told by that church,” Paul picked up a pencil and decidedly crossed the name off the list, “that I need to keep things simple and basic, that theology at my level belongs in a classroom rather than in the church.”[3]
Jeremiah tried to interject … “wait, what? …” But Paul just kept going.
“I tried to tell the pastor he was thinking about this all wrong, but he just said that was another reason I wouldn’t be allowed to teach—no-one, and I mean no-one, can disagree with the pastor if they are in a teaching position! Apparently I have too much theological education and I am too big for my britches. He recommended I just sit in the pew or find some other place to be.”
David pointed to another name on the list. “Has anyone tried this one?”
“Told me I should speak in the tongues of angels … Tongues I get, but babbling like a priest from Corinth?”
Jeremiah laughed—a rare contrast with the sadness in his eyes—attracting the attention of a young man sitting nearby. The young man’s eyes scolded them as he saw the paper laying on the table. “What are you three laughing about? Church is serious business!”
“You must be a worship leader!”
“How do you know?”
“The skinny jeans…” David started, but the young man barely paused.
“That’s right—I remember you! You came to our church with some new music? That stuff was horrible—the congregation couldn’t sing it, and there were too many words. You need to repeat things more for people in the modern world. Our congregations just aren’t that smart.”[4]
David stared for a moment in wonder. The young man stormed off to Jeremiah’s laughter.
Paul jumped back in before David could speak: “That reminds me, Jeremiah, I did go to a church this week that you might want to try.”
“Why?”
“They said God didn’t call smart people, and he never used the best and the brightest. They even used you as an example.”[5]
Jeremiah laughed so hard this time that he spat up part of his drink, muttering through his laughter: “Why do people think such things? Even shepherds and fishermen can be smart! And who ever heard of God leaving someone where they are?”
A fresh voice entered the conversation. “I don’t know … I feel like we’re stuck in Laodicea for some reason.”[6]
“John! I wasn’t expecting you! Have a seat, have a seat.” This was truly an unexpected pleasure for Paul.
John, normally the happiest in the group, said: “Honestly I don’t know where we can find a church that will accept us and use the talents God has given us in the modern world.”
They sat, quietly, for some time thinking about that question. None of them could think of a good answer.
[1] Acts 20:7
[2] 2 Samuel 6:14
[3] The entire book of Romans, for instance
[4] The Psalms
[5] Jeremiah 1:6 is often used this way
[6] Revelation 3:14